Resourcing Yourself podcast with Sefora Janel Ray #1
[00:00:00] Hey there and welcome to my first podcast. I'm so excited to be here with you. This has really been a dream of mine for a while now, and I'm ready to bring you as much support to your life as possible. So if you don't know me from Bob, but you're curious, I can say that I am a licensed psychotherapist and a relationship coach.
I've been teaching and working in personal transformation for over 20 years. I ran a healing center in the California Bay area for 13 years, which is where I was born and raised. And I'm currently living in New York where my family has recently moved to an eco village, which I'm sure I will talk about more in the future.
My current work has specialized working with individuals and couples on their attachment styles and relationship. But I also practice EMDR with clients around trauma and I support people with living lives with purpose, whether that's In your relationships or at work or any other area of your life.
I'm particularly interested in [00:01:00] supporting people and being resourced so that we can show up to do all the things we want to do with our lives, including change the world in great ways so that our world continues to evolve.
Because even though the average person living on the planet is much better off than we've been at any other time, and I'm talking about the average person here, I know that there's a lot of people suffering still in the world because of war or famine, but the average person in the world is doing much better than we have for centuries.
And yet when you talk to most folks, they don't feel that way. They feel overwhelmed, under pressure, or barely able to get through week to week. And so I've been really thinking a lot about How do we get to this place where we could be doing so much better, but still feel awful? And in particular, how do we shift our experience so that we can take in the beauty and goodness of where we are, but also face the things that are hard or that we want to change in our lives or society?
And so that's what we're up to in this podcast. [00:02:00] The world can be chaotic But I know also from my personal history and my work with clients that a lot of things are actually going really well. And it's easy to lose sight of that, especially when we're in our day to day grind. But when we focus on what's going well and what resources us, life becomes way more manageable, conflicts are easier, stress is lighter, things just flow better.
We move out of the sympathetic nervous system into our Parasympathetic nervous system, which basically means we stop pretending there's lions chasing us and we ground in the reality that we're safe and we're able to actually think creatively about what we want to do in our life. So I felt like this would be a great way to serve people and to really help people get in touch with what their resources are in life.
And as I was prepping for this podcast, I was thinking about my fondness for radio. I had a little flashback of my childhood, which will probably be illuminating for you about who I am. Two of my favorite movies when I [00:03:00] was a kid were Pump Up the Volume with Christian Slater, who was a serious heartthrob back then, and Good Morning Vietnam with the incredible Robin Williams.
And if you know these movies, you might be thinking, did your parents know you were watching these? They were pretty intense movies growing up as a kid. But in the eighties, our parents were not always tracking media. So it was what it was. And these movies were very influential for me. And I love them because the radio DJs worked also to inspire people.
They were waking them up. They were struggling with their own suffering, but they were also committed to helping people see injustices. While also empowering people around them through songs, through inspiration, through laughter. And I was so inspired by Robin Williams that I remember coming into school in my junior high.
And I was actually junior high president, which also tells you a little bit about me. I [00:04:00] was still committed to leadership way back then, and still probably a nerd way back then. But one of my duties was leading the school in the pledge of allegiance every morning. And I would get on the microphone and I was so inspired by Robin Williams that at least a couple of days when I did the pledge, I started it with good morning, Lincoln middle school and Robin Williams style.
I know complete dork, right? But in the best way, good morning, Vietnam was my vibe. So good morning, good evening, afternoon out there. Let's figure out how to feel good. You and I let's figure out how to feel resourced. Let's try to make the best of this lives that we've been given and also have some fun in the process.
And today in particular, I want to talk about the concept called spiraling up. So you've probably heard of people spiraling down and when something bad happens, when negative thoughts lead to another, and then you're in a full on funk.
But what if you [00:05:00] could reverse that? What if you could spiral up instead? And spiraling up is a technique that I will use with clients to help them move out of their sympathetic nervous system, out of fight or flight or freeze, get your cognitive thinking back online. And when you're spiraling down, you lose your capacity to do problem solving and to how to make decisions in a positive way or a wise way.
And, Einstein says something along the lines of, you can't solve a problem from the same state the problem was created in. I'm probably botching his quote, but you get the idea. If we're trying to solve the problems from the same state of being that got us in there in the first place, we end up with the same thing.
And so spiraling up as a tool to shift our state and to have access to different thoughts and ideas about a problem. So let's break it down today. First, you're going to start with where you are. Maybe you're feeling pissed or annoyed, stuck, frozen, or if you're like [00:06:00] me, you just wake up in the morning and you're groggy and foggy and maybe a little bit grumpy.
And this is my family system. Almost everyone on my mom's side of the family wakes up grumpy. And so in order to get into a different state, in order to be able to serve people and help in the world. And I got to shift my grumps. So just start where you are, just noticing where you are with whatever you might want to spiral up about.
You might want to pick something right now to focus on. And the first thing you're going to ask after you identify how you're doing with that thing is what if dot, dot, dot. So you're going to start a question. What if things were easier than I expected? What if things went really smoothly today?
What if you had all the help you needed? What if that meeting that you're dreading or feeling horrible [00:07:00] about went well? What if your partner was kind? What if your kids were actually in a good mood? What if getting them out the door went easier? What if you made more money than you were anticipating today?
What if things actually worked out? So you're going to pick what ifs, and you're going to come up with as many possibilities as you can with the what ifs. And you can also begin to have fun with it. What if aliens just landed in my backyard and gave me all the advice that I possibly needed? What if I won the lottery?
What if I took the dog out and discovered that someone had left a gift on my front porch? Shh. You want to be thinking of what ifs that are positive because we are spiraling up afterwards and usually the mind goes to negative things if you're more inclined towards spiraling down. So what ifs that are positive, okay?
And you can get a little [00:08:00] ridiculous and laugh at yourself as you're making your coffee or on your way to work with these what ifs. And then after you do some, what ifs, you're going to move to. It's possible that statements, it's possible that things can go better than I think. It's possible that I could get really clear.
It's possible that this task that I'm dreading could go really quickly. It's possible that I could find someone who's done this better or easier and I could learn from them. It's possible that I could actually get all of my needs met. It's possible that I could meet someone in relationship that could really show up for me.
It's possible that my partner really cares about me. It's possible that my kids are just doing their best. It's possible that I could really have a great day. It's possible. And you get the idea. So you keep going with it's possible for a while. And then as you spiral up with it's possible statements, you move from possibility to excitement.
So what [00:09:00] if it's possible? And then, God, I'm so excited for what I'm ready for. What I'm excited is to have a relationship where my needs are met. I'm really excited to feel clear and empowered. I really want and am excited about having an easy day today. I really think that it could be great to have a meeting that goes smoothly, where everyone is concise.
and specific and we get a lot of shit done. And then, after excitement, you move to whatever feels good, and you add in beliefs about yourself and life. For example, I'm really good at handling these kinds of situations.
I know how to make great things happen. Life is on my side and I have all kinds of help to deal with this situation. I'm a badass and I'm here to make a difference and I can handle this. Or my ancestors made this possible for me and I'm going to grab this and go with it. Or There are so many people at my back, my ancestors, my friends, my [00:10:00] allies, I got this.
I'm moving forward or people have died in order to create voting in this world. And because of that, I am going to take that flag and move it forward, make this world a better place. So you're taking that energy and you're moving to empowerment around what you're going to do with it. You could even have a thought like this gets to be fun for me and there are a lot of people around me who make it awesome and we're going to have a blast, right?
So you get the idea, but you're moving into the direction of positive beliefs about you and your life and what you're going to do and how you're going to do it in a way that feels really good. Okay. I also want to underline that none of these things have to be in this order, but I've just found that moving from what ifs, to it's possible, to exciting, to positive beliefs around yourself is the direction that's easier when you're really in a funk around something.
But you could bop around with these all over the place depending on what feels good. [00:11:00] And I've noticed that if you have a certain pace with it, like you're talking yourself into something into a spiral with an energy, that also leads to that experience of feeling better and better and better and better and better and better.
All right, so I'm going to give you an example. The example is that you have a meeting that you're dreading that you have to get ready for. So starting with, What if this meeting was not that bad? What if it was actually really fast and easy? What if the people who showed up were actually really grounded and vulnerable or just stuck to the facts and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be?
What if I was able to actually show up for this in a way that supported everyone around me in being more productive? What if the meeting gets cancelled and I don't even have to go and I end up with all kinds of time to work on other things that I'm really [00:12:00] excited about? What if I get really prepared for this meeting and I'm so prepared that it just isn't a problem at all.
And it's possible that this meeting is not that big of a deal. It's possible that this meeting is really not a problem. That I'm making it more of something than it really is and that it's actually just something that I need to get through and, it's going to be easy and , I'm going to get through it and people around me are going to be kind and it's going to be fast.
And what if everything just fell into place effortlessly? What if I had a lot of breakthroughs today? I have been doing this job for, years I know how to do this. It's actually something that I know how to do and the other people around me are skilled and I have allies with my boss and with the people around me and we get to do this well.
The commitment of the company is whatever it is. It's to, to make a difference or, To create productivity and to come from that place, this is what it would look like. [00:13:00] And I'm going to inspire people and coming from that place more. And it's going to be a really great meeting. And actually, I'm really excited about this meeting because I think that it can make a difference in the company.
And I feel like the value that I'm bringing to it could really provide people with some insight about the problems we've been dealing with. Okay, so that's an example. And we'll keep working with spiraling up. I really appreciate , whoever's out there listening right now, this first podcast and excited to be in this journey with you.
Of course, this work, I do it because it's also helpful for me and spiraling up. As a grumpy person in the morning is often something that I need to do and want to do for my life. And so thanks for being in this with me, sending you lots of love out there for your day or your week or your month or whatever you're up to.
And I'll see you in the next podcast.
